Our Guest Writer is So Great, We're Thinking About Replacing Ourselves With Her.
After nearly 250 years of publication, the Newsdumpster is pleased to present its first guest columnist in the person of Jeni Hankins. Jeni has been a loyal and tireless friend and supporter of Hungrytown for years and years, and if that's not bad enough, is herself an accomplished singer, songwriter, musician, seamstress, visual artist and author. With her roots in southwest Virginia, she now lives in London with her husband, known as the Englishman, even in England. They have kindly allowed us the use of their palatial apartment as a home base during our four-month 2019 Lost in the Roundabout tour of Great Britain.
As the self-proclaimed biggest fan of the Hungrytown Newsdumpster, I am tickled to pieces to be contributing a guest column to the October edition! The Englishman and I have been lucky to host Hungrytown in our London flat (and in our Carnforth, Lancashire, holiday “palace”) off and on since July. Here’s what we’ve learned . . .
Ten and 3/4 ways that you know HUNGRYTOWN’S IN THE HOUSE!
10. Every time Hungrytown come home from a long day of trawling the scone hotspots and real ale houses, the lady host wants to pretend she is a very hip DJ dressed like Mr T from the A-Team and shout “HUNGRYTOWN’S IN THE HOWOWOWSE!”
9. Two out of four, as compared to formerly one out of two, residents think stuffing the unruly duvet into a fresh duvet cover is “fun.”
8. American English is now the house language by majority. This has not elevated the tone of discussion.
7. The ratio of biscuits (British for “cookies”) to other foodstuffs in the pantry has increased by 97.839%. This has elevated the tone of discussion.
6. The quantity of freshly washed clothing being “softened” by torrential rain on the balcony has doubled. The hope for a dry day has also doubled.
5. The number of tea bags squeezed in a week has increased past the capacity for record-keeping. The number of mysterious coffee contraptions huddled on the kitchen worktop has increased from zero to one. The permanent residents dare not look too closely at said device lest they be lured into the snare of the coffee bean.
4. The number of women prone to breaking into random ballet dancing around the house has doubled. The number of men who find this resembles a secret rite and fear they will be required to paint themselves blue has also doubled. This fear is increased when the women wear wacky pajamas.
3. The number of women who have lost games of pool to the Englishman also doubled. Luckily, no betting was involved, though strange hats were worn by the women for luck, but to no avail.
2. The ratio of teddy bears to humans has diminished, though, recently, the bears picked up one more member on the street face down in a puddle. Said recruit has now been washed and dried in front of the electric heater. The bears report feeling more confident about their numbers and sources say they may be planning a run on the biscuits. The Englishman says, “If they fancy their chances . . .”
1. Profits at the Bridge House Tavern, around the corner, have skyrocketed. They are considering adding a Hungrytown extension.
3/4. The number of musical instruments in the London flat now violates fire codes and banjo codes. And the admixture of banjos, harmonicas, melodeons, and pajamas with biscuits, bears, coffee, and tea to the tune of Bert Jansch playing “God Save the Clotted Cream” can only mean that HUNGRYTOWN’S IN THE HOUSE!
Almost next Hungrytown concert right here in our London flat on Saturday, October 5th! Doors open at 7, concert at 7:30. Tickets £12. Food and drink provided. Write to me, Jeni Hankins, President of the Hungrytown Newsdumpster Fan Club, at firstname.lastname@example.org to reserve your seat.
In a mere three months, our 2019 Lost in the Roundabout tour has filled up five photo albums. You can see them all here.
Bob 1: Why is this month's Newsdumpster so much better than the others? Bob 2: Somebody else wrote it. Didn't you read the first part? Bob 1: I didn't make it that far.
PLEASE SEE OUR CONCERT CALENDAR FOR THE NEXT FIVE WEEKS BELOW. VISIT OUR ONLINE CALENDAR FOR MORE COMPLETE AND UPDATED INFORMATION.
Oct. 04 Salisbury, United Kingdom @ Fovant Village Hall